Short answer
Cleanup restores a property; it does not treat trauma. While the work happens, lean on victim advocates from police or prosecutors' offices, homicide survivor groups, trauma-informed counselors, your doctor and faith or community supports. Ask whether your state's victim compensation program may help with counseling. Let trusted people handle cleanup details, and call or text 988 if anyone feels unsafe.
Why does grief after a homicide feel different?
Losing someone to homicide brings grief tangled with trauma. The death was sudden and violent, and it was caused by another person. Families often face fear, rage, questions about why, and an investigation and court process that can stretch on for months or years. Media attention can make private pain feel public.
Cleanup arrives in the middle of all this. You may be asked to make decisions about a home, a room or belongings while you are still in shock. For some families, the home was a place of safety that now feels changed. For others, the property must be sold or returned to a landlord quickly.
This kind of loss is more widespread than many people realize. A 1991 National Institute of Justice study estimated that about 9.3% of U.S. adults in its national sample had lost a family member or close friend to criminal or vehicular homicide. You are not alone, even if it feels that way right now.
What a victim advocate does
Many police departments and prosecutors' offices have victim advocates, sometimes called victim-witness coordinators. Their role is to support families of crime victims, explain the investigation and court process, and connect you with services.
An advocate can often help you apply for your state's crime victim compensation program. In many states, these programs may help eligible families with certain costs, which can include counseling and, in some places, crime scene cleanup. Eligibility and covered expenses vary, and approval is never guaranteed. Your advocate or your state's compensation office can confirm what the program covers.
If no one has contacted you, ask the detective on the case for the name of the victim advocate. National resources such as the VictimConnect Resource Center can also help you find services near you.
Counseling and support groups
Trauma-informed counselors understand how violent loss affects the mind and body, including intrusive memories, nightmares, hypervigilance and difficulty concentrating. Look for someone who has worked with homicide survivors or traumatic grief. Your doctor, victim advocate or local mental health center can suggest names.
Homicide survivor support groups bring together people who have lost someone to violence. Many families find it helpful to be among others who understand the particular pain of this loss, including the frustration of the legal process. In a UK study of homicide-bereaved people who took part in a psychoeducational program, published by Alves-Costa and colleagues in 2018, 20 of 29 participants valued discovering that others had similar experiences.
Faith communities, cultural organizations and workplace employee assistance programs can add practical and spiritual support. Some families find that a combination works best.
- Victim advocate through police or prosecutor
- Trauma-informed grief counselor
- Homicide survivor support group
- Primary care doctor
- Clergy or faith community
- Employee assistance program at work
- 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline for anyone in crisis
What if I or someone in my family is in crisis?
Traumatic grief can sometimes bring thoughts of not wanting to live, or overwhelming distress that feels impossible to manage. If that happens to you or anyone in your family, call or text 988 to reach the 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline. It serves anyone in emotional distress, not only people thinking about suicide. For immediate danger, call 911.
It is also important to notice when a loved one is withdrawing, drinking or using substances heavily, not sleeping for days, or talking about revenge in ways that frighten you. Reaching out to a counselor, doctor or crisis line on their behalf is an act of care.
Protecting yourself during the cleanup
You do not need to be present. Many families ask a relative, close friend or advocate to speak with cleanup companies, sign paperwork if authorized and meet the crew. You can make a few key decisions, such as which belongings to keep, and leave everything else to your helper.
Tell the provider how you want to be contacted and what you do and do not want to hear. A respectful company will not describe the scene unless asked, and can send photos directly to your insurer, attorney or advocate instead of to you.
Consider staying with family or friends while the work happens, especially if the home is where you live. Returning to a clean, quiet space can be easier than hearing equipment and seeing crews come and go.
If you decide to return for a final walkthrough, bring someone with you and decide beforehand how long you will stay. Leaving early is always allowed.
Ask the provider to handle any items connected to the investigation, such as papers or electronics, according to the detective's instructions, so you are not left wondering whether something important was discarded. Knowing that has been handled can remove one worry from a crowded mind.
Children after a homicide in the family
Children may hear about the death from others, from news coverage or from overheard conversations. It usually helps to tell them the truth in simple, age-appropriate words, without graphic details, and to reassure them about their own safety.
Keep children away from the property during cleanup, and keep daily routines as steady as you can. Let their school know so counselors and teachers can provide support. Watch for changes in sleep, behavior, appetite or play, and ask your pediatrician or advocate about child trauma specialists if concerns persist.
Some communities offer grief camps or groups for children who have lost someone to violence. These give kids a place to be understood by peers.
The investigation and the courts
For many families, the justice process becomes a second source of stress layered over grief. Waiting for an arrest, sitting through hearings and hearing details in court can reopen wounds again and again. It is normal to feel exhausted, angry or numb as the case moves forward, or stalls.
Your victim advocate can prepare you for what to expect at each stage, tell you when you may want to step out of a courtroom and help you decide whether to give a victim impact statement. You can bring a support person to hearings, and you can choose not to attend some of them.
News, social media and questions from others
News coverage and social media can be painful, especially when strangers comment on your loved one's life. Consider asking a friend to monitor coverage for you and share only what you need to know. You can decline interviews, or ask one family member or the advocate to speak on the family's behalf.
Setting boundaries with well-meaning people matters too. Friends and relatives may ask questions about the case out of concern or curiosity. A simple line such as we are not able to talk about the case right now, but we appreciate your support can save you from retelling the story over and over.
How supports can fit together: an illustration
The sketch below is illustrative rather than a real family's story. A mother learns that her adult son was killed in his apartment. A detective introduces her to a victim advocate on the second day. The advocate explains the state compensation program, helps her start an application and gives her a list of homicide survivor groups and counselors.
Her brother agrees to coordinate cleanup with the landlord and a provider. He asks the crew to set aside her son's photos, guitar and a watch that belonged to his grandfather. She never visits the apartment again, and she does not need to.
Two weeks later, she meets with a counselor who specializes in traumatic grief. A month after that, she joins a support group. She tells her brother that hearing another mother describe the same anger helped her feel less alone. When she has a frightening night around the first court date, she calls 988 and talks with a counselor until she feels steadier. The scenario is fictional, but each of these supports is real and available in many communities.
What should I expect in the months ahead?
Grief after homicide rarely follows a straight line. Court dates, news stories, anniversaries and holidays can bring it back sharply. Many families find that the months after the funeral are harder than the first weeks, when people were rallying around them.
Learning what to expect can itself be a relief. In the same 2018 UK study, 25 participants described a better understanding of possible reactions to homicide loss after the program. Knowing that nightmares, anger or difficulty concentrating are common reactions can make them feel less frightening.
Keep simple routines, accept practical help and plan support around difficult dates. If your distress does not ease, or if it gets in the way of work, relationships or sleep for a long time, reach out to a counselor or doctor. Asking for help is a way of honoring both your loved one and yourself.
